A funny thing happened this week. Someone I know said to me something said to somebody else by yet somebody else about me. You following?… Doesn’t matter. The thing that was said wasn’t particularly complimentary. The substance doesn’t matter. For a start, if it really did matter they ought to say it to me face to face or raise it via an appropriate route.
There was for a brief few moments indignation and anger in me. How dare they? Blah blah blah. Then just as instantaneously there was judgement of their behaviour in my mind casting them as a jealous person. However a remarkable thing happened before the end of the conversation, now largely punctuated by the other person telling me this making apologies and excuses about it. I realised I really couldn’t care less about it. I quickly looked at the criticism – part of it is justified. I know I’m verbose (you read this drivel… you know it!) but I know that issue and I do try to work on it but it is not my default nature and my verbosity is I believe a defining characteristic of me. As many people I know point out I never engage in much small talk and chit chat when I speak it is because I have something of substance to say – whether you listen, agree or not it is still something of substance. As to the second part of their criticism I don’t think they’ve listened to what I’ve said. I know what my meaning is – I quickly rechecked those motives and found them good and wholesome in my view (again anyone may disagree but I’m happy) and therefore I can take the next breath and it is all ok and I’m comfortable with me, with the situation and everything.
That is remarkable – back in the dark drinking days and in much of my recovery I’d have been eaten up by this, either in terms of wanting to argue with them, rectify it, been concerned or worried by it, played out previous encounters and future ones again and again and again. Now I look inside, find that moral compass and check myself against it. As I say in this situation one of the points I readily acknowledge and am trying to address, I make no apology for being a work in progress on that.
I remember being baffled by people talking about being “comfortable in your own skin”. I though this was purely a reference to physical attractiveness. Seriously! Now I think I’m getting to actually experience it and all because I’ve stopped drinking long enough to look inside myself and come to that place of comfort.