… with myself.
I’ve only just realised that for a while now I’ve been a bit disconnected. With myself mainly. I’ve not been writing on here as my mind has been elsewhere, where actually I don’t know but I’ve been off beam. I knew this. I think some of it goes back to two things. Starting to work in my placement as an actual counsellor and then my operation and sick leave.
The placement hit me hard. I was there in a room sitting with another human being and they thought of me as a counsellor. They had no idea I was a raw recruit trainee, they knew I was “in training” as I asked them in the initial negotiation of how we are going to work together if they’d consider me being able to potentially use my work with them as part of a case study. But I never made it clear that I was a novice, there was no need and it possibly wouldn’t help them. Anyways, I’m there and then I’m out of sessions processing what is going on for me and what I’m sensing is going on for them, trying to mould their comments, actions, body language etc. into the models I’ve studied. Now I realise it somewhat overwhelmed me. It is very like losing your virginity, you step over a line to be a different person and you can never go back you’ve changed permanently in that moment.
I’d hardly got going and along came my operation. That also hit me as it took me longer than I expected to get over it. The sick leave was appreciated but to be fair all I did was sit about a lot watch the Olympics, Tour de France etc.
Also I changed therapist. Simply my old one had a change of circumstances, we looked at options to continue but nothing seemed to fit. She then suggested another therapist at the same centre. I’ve started working with him and that is going well but there was a gap of a month in the summer just as this other stuff was going on too. Thus somewhere in all this I lost some connection with myself. I returned to work a bit on edge as well as there was changes going on with people leaving etc.
In the last week or two I’ve reconnected. I’m forming a good relationship with my new therapist and gaining good insights there. I’ve thrown myself into some new projects at work and found real satisfaction in getting them fired up. Returning to study with my fellow students in the last three weeks has really been the icing on the cake, particularly hearing their concerns about their placements and clients and whether they are “good enough”. I found myself immersed in some papers, online articles and text books looking over topics earlier this week and smiled to myself that I’m active again and as I say connected.
Finally I got back to recording some music. Something I’ve not done in ages. My Ménière’s Disease hasn’t helped but I had some good days and some time and so recording recommenced. I feel my like me again, but a changed me now I am a me who is working as a counsellor.