I had a spate of writing posts on here last year about how I’d lost some good sober friends through age and illness. Last weekend I was told about Paul. Paul has been around my local groups for a number of years. At one point he had a few years sobriety under his belt. He slipped. He really struggled to recover again often ending up lonely in his flat and just going out buying drink and sitting in his flat for the next couple of days on a binge. He wanted to get back to sobriety so badly since he’d had a good taste of it but he couldn’t. He took his own life.
I’m so sorry and sad Paul couldn’t get back. But also I’m perversely glad of what has happened to him since it has shown me again where I could potentially end up if I don’t remain sober today and don’t do something to work on what happens in my head and my heart today. Keeping my rational brain rational and my emotional heart feeling are key to me not ending up where Paul sadly did.
One of the last times I spoke with Paul was last year at a meeting. He was telling me about the binge pattern of drinking he’d got into. He was sober about 24 hours that evening and just wanted to talk. We spoke outside as he smoked. We dashed in as the meeting was about to start. All the comfy seats were by then occupied so we had to sit on the hard chairs. He commented on it. I said “I often sit on these out of choice. Part of my penance for being an alcoholic to have a numb arse for 90 minutes”. Paul looked at me and just said the best response to that ever “Man. You really are fucking sick!”. Love you Paul and thank you for the lessons.