I had a spate of writing posts on here last year about how I’d lost some good sober friends through age and illness. Last weekend I was told about Paul. Paul has been around my local groups for a number of years. At one point he had a few years sobriety under his belt. He slipped. He really struggled to recover again often ending up lonely in his flat and just going out buying drink and sitting in his flat for the next couple of days on a binge. He wanted to get back to sobriety so badly since he’d had a good taste of it but he couldn’t. He took his own life.
I’m so sorry and sad Paul couldn’t get back. But also I’m perversely glad of what has happened to him since it has shown me again where I could potentially end up if I don’t remain sober today and don’t do something to work on what happens in my head and my heart today. Keeping my rational brain rational and my emotional heart feeling are key to me not ending up where Paul sadly did.
One of the last times I spoke with Paul was last year at a meeting. He was telling me about the binge pattern of drinking he’d got into. He was sober about 24 hours that evening and just wanted to talk. We spoke outside as he smoked. We dashed in as the meeting was about to start. All the comfy seats were by then occupied so we had to sit on the hard chairs. He commented on it. I said “I often sit on these out of choice. Part of my penance for being an alcoholic to have a numb arse for 90 minutes”. Paul looked at me and just said the best response to that ever “Man. You really are fucking sick!”. Love you Paul and thank you for the lessons.
Guitars and Life 
What a wonderful post. Paul sounds great.
I get what you mean here. If there can be any silver lining in the death of someone from addiction, it’s that the rest of us get to witness it. Which sounds horrible and heartless, but I don’t mean it that way. We’re all connected and so this pain is a gift. He didn’t relapse or die for nothing. I am sorry for your loss, for his loss too.
How sad. But real. That is the reality of addiction. It is a dead end.
The reality of sobriety is the opposite. Everything is possible.
I am willing to make whatever effort is required to stick with the possibilities!
I get being relieved it’s not you and learning from the mistakes of others. Sorry your friend had to suffer from this disease.
I am sorry about your friend, Paul.
I too listen closely to what I need to do to keep sober, as I too would end up alone, poor, and very depressed.
xo
Wendy
I’m sorry for your loss. It’s a humbling reminder of where we came from and where we can slip to if we’re not careful. Thank you for sharing this with us.