Unsettled is about the best description I can come up with how I’m feeling at the moment.
I have done my last day with the charity voluntary role. That was ok in some ways, but not in others which were other things affecting other people there which I can’t talk about but it was a mix of a day emotionally.
I’m waiting for the paperwork to be completed before I take on more hours at the university. All good on that front and I feel more engaged/fired up/enthusiastic than I have for a while. To be honest I hadn’t realised how much the various management changes had affected me – we had 3 senior directors all leave over the early part of this year in quick succession and only recently completed all the replacements, a period of stasis has been replaced with focus and energy which is good. But with the changes I still feel a little in limbo. Also a colleague has been affected by some changes quite negatively and I feel upset for them as they are thrown into a period of considerable upheaval. It also loses someone in our team I’ve relied on at times.
Finally my diploma course starts on Friday. I’m looking forward to it, getting back to studying and having a direction and focus on that. But nervous about it, everyone says the jump to this course is like slamming the accelerator down. As before there are a few people coming up with me from my previous course I know but a bunch of new folks to get to know and new tutors etc.
So I just feel… unsettled. “This too shall pass” as they say and I know in a week or so this’ll all seem pointless etc. but for the last couple of days and today it is my predominant state of mind and it is best I find for me to accept my states of mind and not work too hard to fight against them or change them without thinking through whether the feelings are justified and how damaging to me they are. Killing, quashing, blanking out, ignoring, rebelling against feelings I don’t like is an unhealthy trait for me – that is what my drinking as all about – avoiding emotions – numbing feelings. So I’m best if I accept the position, reflect on it, share with others (esp those alcoholics who get me) and just let time take its time.