Reading someone’s post today made me think about myself. I have in many situations regularly considered myself a fraud. In my work very often I believe I have no ability, enthusiasm or skill to tackle the problem in hand and that I “bumble through”. I have at times worried heavily that someone will say to me one day “Right we’ve got you sussed you are a waste of space clear off”. It has never happened. Often I walk into reviews worried this will be the time and walk out often confused that I’ve received praise on the most part not criticism. Apparently this is not an uncommon concern, esp in academic and professional circles it is call The Imposter Syndrome.
I’ve also felt it in regards to my music and guitar playing – I think of all the things I can’t play rather than the repertoire I can and therefore consider myself a failure not a success where as no doubt there are people out there who can play just one tune and revel in that achievement.
But to the nub of the matter. I can at times feel a fraud in my recovery. I use AA as regulars will know. That has worked for me, if anything why fix something that ain’t broke, if going to AA meetings has for 10 years meant I’ve not picked up a drink why would I stop going to AA meetings? Because I don’t do it right. I don’t do it like they do. My vision of my higher power is not the same as anyone else’s. My attempts at the steps has been inconsistent, less structured than many and therefore less worthy. All this negative stuff can take over if I let it. So I have to refocus with a set of questions…
“Am I sober today?” – Yes – therefore SUCCESS!!! (Frankly does anything else matter for an alcoholic?)
“Do I have a desire to stop drinking?” Yes – I’ve stopped and have a deep desire to stay stopped
“Am I identifying with the sharing I hear in AA meetings?” Yes – therefore why shouldn’t you be there
“Is being at AA meetings harming me or others?” – No – other than my wife no doubt is sometimes annoyed when I have regular meeting with service, AA intergroup meeting I have to attend and a speaker invite to another meeting all in one week. But hopefully for one busy week she can see the reward etc. over a longer period of time.
Sometimes therefore I decide to stop questioning and keep walking the right direction will appear when and if it is needed not me waiting the wrong side of the hill before the sign post.